Mom

Yesterday my aunt Erica (and uncle, and cousin) visited. They were in town to see the shuttle launch and it was such a nice surprise to get to visit with them on this coast. We had a wonderful brunch in downtown Tampa and as we were saying our goodbyes outside, Erica reached for Sean and he was thankfully amenable to being held. I smiled, watching them, and then it hit me how much this would be like watching my mom hold her grandchildren. It made my heart both fill with happiness and ache at the same time.

I grieve for my mom in pieces. When she died of cancer when I was 16, she and I had already done most of our grieving together, and so I never went through the traditional grieving process after her death. I don't feel like I truly started grieving until I was pregnant with my first baby, and especially in the early days of having a newborn. How was it fair I didn't have my mom there to give me pregnancy advice? To tell me how my pregnancy was similar or different from her own with me. To take care of me as I learned to take care of my own baby. To hold her baby granddaughter and watch the generations expand.

Her death was almost 15 years ago, and I feel like the pieces of grief come more often now that I'm a mother, but they still sneak up on me, unexpected. Last night, revisiting the view of my aunt holding Sean, the grief was thick.

I've heard many motherless women talk about how it was hard for them to learn to be a mother past the age they were when their mother died. My mom died when I was 16, so I know the later teenage years will be a challenging mothering experience. But these years are hard too, as I don't remember so many of the details of my young childhood. And I of course don't remember what kind of child I was.... was I sassy like Meredith is now, when I was 5? Was I into everything as a baby like Sean is? And how did my parents get through it and in the end raise an even keeled (if I do say so myself) woman.

It's hard. It's all a learning process, as I guess parenting is anyway... but I feel like it's maybe a little more difficult not having my mom around to lean on and ask questions of. On the other hand I'll never have a meddling mom who gets in the way or judges my parenting (though I really could never see my mom being that way). Still, I'd take meddling over not having her at all. If only to be able to see the joy in her eyes as she plays with her grandchildren.