Birth Story - Grant McPherson

Tuesday was Meredith's first day of school. I thought for sure I would have already have had the baby and wouldn't be able to walk her to school. I was 41+1 by my dates. My midwife had me dated by LMP which put me at 41 on Wednesday which meant Wednesday morning I would have to drive into Tampa and have a BPP (biophysical profile - a  non-stress test plus ultrasound) done to make sure everything still looked healthy. Most of the day on Tuesday I was having contractions that felt more "real" than the ones I'd been having for the past couple of days, though nowhere near timeable and not very intense at all. We went to our friend's house for an afternoon playdate and I mentioned to her that they were feeling real but they were all over the place, sometimes 30 min, sometimes 45, etc. With my other two I never had any early labor at all... once I started contracting it was "it" and things got moving quickly, so I didn't trust that these really were real and not just prodromal labor.

Brian went to bed around 10 and I stayed up with the very intermittent contractions. Around midnight I decided to go to bed. I went to the bathroom and had a tiny bit of brown tinged mucus and got very excited. I'd never lost my plug prior to labor starting before. I went to bed and laid down for a little bit, but quickly realized the contractions had become more timeable. I started timing at 12:15 and they were coming about every 10-12 min, lasting 1 min. I texted my doula since she lives the furthest and told her it was definitely happening, but who knew how long it would be. I timed for an hour then woke Brian to tell him and called my midwife at 1:30. I told her I'd time for another hour then call her back & decide when I wanted her to be here.

I told Brian we should get the bed made up, so we got up and I think being upright made things get moving and suddenly they weren't 10 min apart but some were piggybacking on top of each other. Brian asked if he should call the midwife and I said yes. It had only been about 20 min since I'd called her, but she lives 45+ min away and I knew I was definitely in active labor at that point. Called my photographer at this point too, who is also 45 min away. This was at around 1:40am.

 I was having bad diarrhea so was on & off the toilet, but finally decided I wanted to get into the tub. I guess I got in around 2am. Brian & I were still talking between contractions so neither of us thought it was as close as it was. Things quickly got moving though and soon the contractions were coming right on top of each other. The midwife got there just before 3 with my photographer a few minutes behind her. I remember hearing the first click of the shutter and thinking how distracting that would be, then never hearing it again! I was already starting to feel a little pushy, but didn't believe it because it hadn't been long enough. It's funny because I was recognizing my sounds more than I was my own sensations. I kept thinking "these are pushy sounds" even though I was sure it wasn't time to be pushing! 

But it was time and after a short while I couldn't deny it. I was feeling pushy and got that out of control shaking feeling, though not nearly as bad as I'd had with Sean (Brian said he didn't even notice me doing it). My midwife assured me baby's head was right there and guided my hand to feel it but I couldn't feel it. Brian said he could see the head popping in & out as I pushed and could see the membranes stretched over the baby's head. Meredith had woken up right around the time everyone started arriving but had gone downstairs, not wanting to be in the room. She did come up toward the end though, and was there for maybe the last 10-15 min. I remember being able to talk to her between a contraction, to assure her I was ok and remind her what hard work it was having a baby. She decided to stay, probably because someone assured her the baby would be here VERY soon. My doula showed up about 5 minutes before the baby was born. I was pushing and knew baby was close and was feeling stretching in the front vs. in the perineum. The sensations were very different, being in the water. I could pinpoint exactly where the pain and pressure were, unlike just having general feeling of it like with my other two out of water births. My water broke, and 5 minutes later he came in one big push, head and body all at once, and suddenly my baby was on my chest! 

I recall people saying "he's here" though we hadn't actually checked for sex yet. I was cradling him and thought I felt testicles, but handed him to Brian and he let Meredith look & announce it was a boy. It felt very anti-climactic, where I thought that moment would be a huge one. Maybe because I really believe the ultrasound tech did slip when she told me "he" at that 40 week ultrasound. Or maybe at that point I just didn't care. He had a head full of dark hair and by looking at him we didn't think he looked as big as Sean had been, even though I was sure (because he was 9 days overdue) he'd be bigger!

My midwife asked if I wanted to get out to deliver the placenta or stay in the tub, and I opted to stay. Grant & I snuggled while we waited, and we got his cord cut when it stopped pulsing. Neither Brian or Meredith wanted to cut it, and I couldn't really reach, so Marianne my midwife cut it. My placenta delivered about 15 minutes later. We handed Grant off to Brian to get dried and warm while I got out. I forgot about the after birth shakes... how freezing cold you get, and it felt that much worse that I was wet. I couldn't stop shivering! Got into bed and wrapped in blankets, and got my baby to warm me.

The midwife's assistant showed up about then and they sat and did their notes while Grant nursed. He latched well and grazed from side to side with breaks in between. Meredith was busy making sure everything was ready... bringing in toys for the baby, informing us the baby stuff we'd need (bouncy seat, swing, etc.) were still all in the closet. She was very concerned about everything being just right and we kept trying to get her to just sit be calm. Thankfully my doula took her downstairs and had her help with dishes & getting me food and drink. 

Everyone stayed until around 6 and we finally got Meredith back to bed, though I don't think she ever went back to sleep. Sean would be up by 7 so we tried to get a little rest. I couldn't sleep though. When Sean woke up Meredith was very excited to go get him and bring him to our room. The first thing he did was give me his binky for the baby (though that didn't last long!) and has been loving on him ever since. Both the kids are enamored with him and thankfully there haven't really been any jealousy issues yet. Grant is latching & nursing better than my other two. I had minimal tearing and I already feel better down there than I did with the other two also, which I think has a lot to do with giving birth in the water. I also never experienced an intense transition like with the other two. Could be because I was in the water, or it could be because it all happened so quickly that my entire labor was like transition! I still can't believe he's here and that it all happened so quickly! Everyone told me the third baby is a wild card... he was my longest pregnancy (41+2) and my shortest labor (just 3 hours!).

 

Grant McPherson Graves

August 21, 2013 @ 3:34am

8lb 12oz, 21 inches

 

Photographs by Lee Anne Roquemore of Petal & Vine Photography

Mom

Yesterday my aunt Erica (and uncle, and cousin) visited. They were in town to see the shuttle launch and it was such a nice surprise to get to visit with them on this coast. We had a wonderful brunch in downtown Tampa and as we were saying our goodbyes outside, Erica reached for Sean and he was thankfully amenable to being held. I smiled, watching them, and then it hit me how much this would be like watching my mom hold her grandchildren. It made my heart both fill with happiness and ache at the same time.

I grieve for my mom in pieces. When she died of cancer when I was 16, she and I had already done most of our grieving together, and so I never went through the traditional grieving process after her death. I don't feel like I truly started grieving until I was pregnant with my first baby, and especially in the early days of having a newborn. How was it fair I didn't have my mom there to give me pregnancy advice? To tell me how my pregnancy was similar or different from her own with me. To take care of me as I learned to take care of my own baby. To hold her baby granddaughter and watch the generations expand.

Her death was almost 15 years ago, and I feel like the pieces of grief come more often now that I'm a mother, but they still sneak up on me, unexpected. Last night, revisiting the view of my aunt holding Sean, the grief was thick.

I've heard many motherless women talk about how it was hard for them to learn to be a mother past the age they were when their mother died. My mom died when I was 16, so I know the later teenage years will be a challenging mothering experience. But these years are hard too, as I don't remember so many of the details of my young childhood. And I of course don't remember what kind of child I was.... was I sassy like Meredith is now, when I was 5? Was I into everything as a baby like Sean is? And how did my parents get through it and in the end raise an even keeled (if I do say so myself) woman.

It's hard. It's all a learning process, as I guess parenting is anyway... but I feel like it's maybe a little more difficult not having my mom around to lean on and ask questions of. On the other hand I'll never have a meddling mom who gets in the way or judges my parenting (though I really could never see my mom being that way). Still, I'd take meddling over not having her at all. If only to be able to see the joy in her eyes as she plays with her grandchildren.

Perspective

Someday my son won't let me smother him in kisses.
Someday he won't make sweet cooing noises when I talk to him,
or giggle when I rub his nose with my nose.
Someday his eyes won't light up with pure joy at the mere sight of me.

Someday my son will sleep better.
Someday I won't be sleep deprived.
But someday I will miss all the sweetness of his babyhood.

Six Weeks

The magic number. Supposedly at 6 weeks things get easier. Life settles down a bit... maybe it's that you're getting used to being a parent (of two, in my case) or maybe its that the baby is finally getting used to being out in the world. Or maybe a little of both. I'm hoping it really is a magic number for us. Its been a long 6 weeks.

I went for my final midwife appointment today, which was sad for me. I think especially because Brian was gone for the entirety of my pregnancy and for my birth, I feel like the one person I really shared my pregnancy with was my midwife. It was a good visit... I got to show off Sean and recount the difficulties of the past 6 weeks knowing they are all behind us now (hopefully). I've been declared healed from childbirth, and I thanked her for sharing such a wonderful experience with me. I feel like this birth has changed me, even more than my first birth did. I think with the birth of Meredith my life was changed in all the ways you expect it to as a first time mom. Life was totally brand new, priorities shifted and everything changed (in good ways and in bad). This time though its more than becoming just a mother of two or becoming a mama to a little boy. Something about my homebirth experience and meeting these women who support it really made me feel more in touch with my womanhood, and with the millenia of women who have birthed before me. I hate to sound cliche, but I feel like this birth has helped me find my calling. Ever since my birth with Mer I've been a birth junkie, and now even moreso. I'm itching to start my training as a childbirth educator (likely with Bradley Birth) and as a doula (hopefully through DONA). I chatted with Cynthia a little about this today, mentioning I toy with the idea of looking into midwifery in the future also. I'm not sure I have the medical part of it in me, but I hope that the experience of being a doula will help me decide if I do or not. I wonder how many women she sees at their postpartum check ups who make these declarations. For me it just seems like the natural route, especially after experiencing this birth, surrounded by women at home. I want to help other women experience the joy and accomplishment of birth.

Anyway, I digress... the appointment went well. I left, after returning the baby scale she lent us and giving her a disk of photos from my birth for her to use on her website. We hugged and I was on my way... my baby in my backseat and Cynthia and the birth center in my rear view. I spent so many months making that drive with a growing belly, knowing I would be returning within a week or two or three, that driving away today felt so final. How quickly I went from having the baby in my belly to being all of a sudden a mom of two. I feel like my whole world has shifted a bit.

As for Sean, he's doing better. As I recounted our last 6 weeks I felt like the list of trials we've been through was never ending. 2 UTIs, an ear infection, 4 trips to urgent care, multiple visits to our pediatrician with weight concerns (both valid and not), reflux/colic and starting him on meds, my going dairy free to help eliminate his digestion problems. But I really do have hope that we're over the hump. The meds have made him a new baby. As I took his one month picture today I expected screams but was rewarded with a ton of smiles... enough that I got to capture a few on film! And while I'm sure he'll still throw us curve balls, I feel like we've started to settle in a bit. Maybe he's decided life on the outside isn't so bad after all.

Four

Four years ago at this moment I was trying my darndest to get checked out of the hospital and take my brand new baby girl home with me. I can't believe its been four years. My Meredith turned four yesterday. I spent many private moments throughout the day in tears... nothing like adding the reminder of a growing child to a postpartum mom's emotional load. She was my first, my baby girl, the one who taught me how to be a mother, the one who taught me what true unconditional love really feels like.

Wearing the birthday hat I made for her first birthday

And now she's four. She's such an amazing little person and my love for her somehow grows more every day. She's so playful and compassionate and loving, and has already become such a wonderful big sister which only makes me love her even more.

Opening Presents!

A pretty princess

Yummy coconut cupcakes, a birthday tradition!


Blowing out her candles... she got them all!

Happy birthday my sweet four year old. You'll always be my baby girl.

Random Thoughts on Birth

"There is a power that comes to women when they give birth.

They don't ask for it, it simply invades them.

Accumulates like clouds on the horizon and passes through,

carrying the child with it." -Sheryl Feldman

I'm currently reading the book "Pushed" (it was what I was reading when my water broke, and I'm finally getting back to reading a bit more now). Its an amazingly eye opening book about the state of birth in the U.S. and I wholeheartedly recommend it to anyone curious about the "business" of pregnancy and birth. Last night as I was reading I came to the chapter about oxytocin, the "love hormone" and what was written really rang true for me. I remember the photo taken of me as I drifted into post birth la la land, snuggling my newborn. I remember the truly overwhelming rush I felt when Sean emerged. And I keep thinking about how much love I feel for the women who were there with me, who were within range as this hormone flooded my body. I remember telling a friend just weeks before my birth that I just never got that "warm & fuzzy" feeling from my midwife and so was thinking of hiring a doula. And now I find myself missing my weekly visits with her and wondering if anyone has ever loved their OB the way I love my midwife.

"Oxytocin also works on our emotions, opening our hearts,

cementing intimacy and community, and, in the case of

childbirth, bonding mother to child. Oxytocin makes space

for something, someone new." (from "Pushed")

My birth with Meredith was not dissimilar to my birth with Sean. It was a natural, drug-free, no intervention birth. I labored at home before going to the hospital at 5-6 centimeters, and only did 4 hours of my labor at the hospital. But there has to be something that adds to the intensity of the oxytocin flood when you birth at home. Your inhibitions are lessened maybe. Or you're just that much more comfortable and not worrying, even subconsciously, about anything other than being in the moment. I feel like I bonded immediately with Sean, where I felt like it took a long time with Meredith. This could be a first time vs. second time thing, or it could be that I was really allowed that bonding time that might have been more limited to me with Meredith in the hospital setting.

The thing I found most interesting in the oxytocin chapter (where they discuss synthetic oxytocin, or Pitocin) is that it doesn't cross the blood-brain barrier. So while women who are induced with Pit are flooded with this hormone, they don't experience the flood of emotion that comes with it. In fact, introducing external oxytocin shuts down the body's own production of the powerful hormone.

But back to the "love hormone" and my experience. I'll admit that before my home birth I was already a birth junkie. I'm passionate about natural birth and its benefits as well as how amazingly empowering it is for women. But my homebirth has made me even more so. Thinking about my love for my birth team makes me realize how amazing it must be to be on the other end of things too. To share in a woman's most vulnerable and overwhelming moments must carry such a huge reward. After taking Bradley classes with my first pregnancy I decided I really wanted to become a Bradley instructor. Now I'm thinking it would be amazing to become a doula, and maybe someday in the future when my kids are grown and I have more time I might look into midwifery. I think its such an amazing thing to be able to help women reclaim their births. Its so raw, so primal, and such a different experience than an OB managed pregnancy, even when the births themselves are similar.

What a difference...

"They" tell you: every pregnancy is different, every baby is different. Well, my pregnancies were pretty similar, but man oh man are my babies different.

Beyond the physical differences... Sean already being a huge 10+ pounds and wearing 3-6 month clothing at 3 weeks old, where Meredith was in her 0-3 stuff for EVER. Sean's light complexion and blue eyes and Meredith's olive tone and huge brown eyes. Beyond these things...

Meredith, 2 days old

Sean, 2 days old

Meredith came home and gave us a 5 hour overnight stretch of sleep right off the bat. Given, we dealt with major breastfeeding issues because of it, but she was a sleeper from the start. Still is, requiring at least 14 hours overnight to be even close to bearable. Sean... well, is not. Right now I'm sitting in the living room watching him sleep fitfully in the swing. This, only after hours of trying to put him down, swaddle him (which he despises), letting him sleep on one of us, etc. all to no avail. I doubt the swing will work for very long either.

He's a screamer. There is no working up to "I'm hungry" or "I'm wet"... no grunts or squeaks, just an immediate all out scream. There are no hunger cues, just "give me a boobie now!" wails. Meredith was the opposite. Sure, there was crying (and I have 4 years of distance to forget how much, but I do know it was nowhere near her brother's wails), but I remember her being easier to read, easier to know what was coming, and definitely easier to soothe.

So I guess tonight I'm sleeping on the couch. Brian has been pushing for Sean to move to his own crib, and we've done it the past two nights, but I'm thinking its backfiring and being near us is what he needs right now. Brian's argument about needing to get up to work has little effect on me this time around since I don't just have a "leisurely" day of taking care of a baby. I have to get up too, get two kids fed, dressed and out the door in time for preschool. And so far Sean's schedule has him eating right around 9 and 12... drop off and pick up time, which makes things just that much more difficult.

In the meantime I've decided to cut caffeine and chocolate from my diet in hopes its something I'm eating that is keeping him from sleeping. I have to hold out hope that this may be something I can fix.

My Birth Story - Sean Heath

It was the early morning of July 26th. Brian was due home from a 7 month deployment the following afternoon at 4pm. I’d been talking to the baby for weeks, asking him to stay put until Brian made it home. I was now 5 days overdue and amazed I had made it so far and was now so close to Brian being able to be here for the birth. Originally he was scheduled home the beginning of July, but they got extended 3 weeks which coincided directly with my due date. I’d stressed over what to do when we got the news of the extension… whether to have my family come out, or hire a doula, etc. I ended up deciding I was stressing about it too much. I didn’t want one more person in the room in case Brian did make it home, and I just kept going forward with the thinking that he would. We had been planning a home birth since the very beginning, partially because I didn’t want to go to our local hospital and partially to ease my stress over what would happen if Brian didn’t make it home. I knew I wouldn’t have to worry about getting Mer anywhere or drive myself to the hospital. And with as fast as my labor with Meredith went I knew this time could be faster, leaving me less time to get somewhere to give birth. One of my leading thoughts when we found out our timing would be pushing it was that I wasn’t all that sad Brian would miss the birth itself, but since it would be such a different experience having a home birth, and I was sad he might miss that experience.

In my last few weeks of pregnancy I started stressing about having a support person again and got a referral from a friend for a doula, Monessa. She not only had a deployed spouse rate which was very affordable, but she agreed to be flexible with me… letting me hire her if Brian didn’t make it home and agreeing not to charge me for anything if he did make it in time.

The house, decorated for Brian's homecoming & with the cars of my entourage outside.

So it was the early morning of July 26th… I was in bed unable to sleep, feeling like a 5 year old on Christmas Eve. I was so excited homecoming was the following afternoon and anxious about the last few hours between then and now. I knew there was still plenty of time for a baby to be born, even though we were SO close to Brian making it back. I was laying in bed reading “Pushed” when at 1:15am I felt a pop. I’d heard women describe this feeling and I immediately had two thoughts, “you’ve gotta be kidding me” was one, and the other was “please let me be one of those women whose water breaks and doesn’t start laboring right away.” I didn’t get an immediate gush of fluid, so I wasn’t totally sure that’s what the pop was. About 15 minutes later I got a small gush and when I went to the bathroom what came out was definitely not pee. It was cloudy and specked with mucus. I knew for sure then that my water had broken. I called Brian who was in Fallon, NV for the night and told him. His response was “oh no” since we both knew how close we’d gotten to having him here. I still hadn’t started contracting so was holding onto the sliver of hope that it would be a long labor (who ever hopes for that?? Haha). I broke down crying on the phone, so frustrated that we were just hours away from being together again. He was so great, reminding me that it was going to be fantastic, we were going to have a baby and that I would do a great job. After hanging up with him I got the bed stripped and ready, and made sure all my supplies were in order.

Almost exactly an hour later I got my first contraction, around 2:15am. The whole time I was thinking that it was the middle of the night and I really didn’t want to disturb anyone so I waited to call anyone for a while (even though my midwife, Cynthia, would laugh at me later saying she’s pretty sure my water breaking was one of the things she’d told me warranted a phone call). My contractions started with regularity, and were immediately 1 minute long, 5 minutes apart. So textbook, where my contractions with Meredith were definitely not (I found out later they were typical for a posterior baby). I tracked my contractions for about 45 minutes before I decided to call Cynthia. At 3am I called her and told her what was going on. She said to track them a little longer and give her a call back either when they got more intense or when I wanted her here. I waited a little longer. The contractions were still fairly light and I wasn’t sweating through them yet so I decided to wait to call Monessa (doula) and Nikki (who was on “Meredith Duty”). Around 4:30 the contractions picked up a little bit and that’s when I decided to call both Monessa and Nikki. After I called them I came downstairs to unlock the doors and put a lunch together for Meredith since I wasn’t sure if she’d go to preschool that day or not. Being upright made the contractions a little worse and closer together and stopped me in my tracks several times.

Got back upstairs and Monessa showed up a few minutes later. She started rubbing my back which felt really good and relaxing. I said I wasn’t sure if I should call Cynthia yet since my contractions were still bearable, but I also knew she was at least a 30 minute drive away. Monessa suggested I wait for a few more contractions before deciding for sure, so I waited. Maybe 20-30 minutes later they started picking up and I was feeling like I was sweating through them. This was the point with Meredith that we’d decided to go to the hospital, so I was thinking I was probably hitting around 3-4cm dilated. I decided to call Cynthia. This must have been around 5:30. We decided to change my position, and I sat on the ball at the end of the bed, leaning on the bed. This definitely picked the contractions up, and after a little while of this Monessa suggested the tub, which I’d just been thinking about. She ran the bath for me and I got in. It felt so good and relaxing. Cynthia showed up just a few minutes later and got set up while I relaxed in the tub. I spent probably an hour in the tub, during which time my contractions picked up from being able to breathe through to having to moan through. I asked Monessa to ask Nikki to call Kat, my photographer. I felt like things were progressing now and I wanted to be sure she was there. Thankfully she lives just down the street from me, so made it over very quickly. This was around 6:30 I think, and again I just kept thinking I didn’t want to disturb anyone too early. She made it over just before I got out of the tub.

Laboring in the tub

Around 7 I got out of the tub and onto the bed. I was laying on my side and the contractions were getting intense. I started feeling a little pushy and was having a hard time staying relaxed through my contractions. Cynthia checked me at 7:15 when I mentioned needing to push and told me I was only 5cm. This was SO discouraging considering the intensity of the contractions I was feeling. I kept hoping it meant that I was just progressing very quickly and not that I had hours of this type of contractions ahead of me. I was feeling a LOT of back pressure at this point too and was asking Monessa to apply counter pressure on my lower back.

During one of my next contractions Cynthia checked me again and I was at 7cm. She said not to try to push, but if my body was pushing along with the contractions to keep doing what I was doing since it was obviously working, and quickly. Every time I’d feel pushy, amniotic fluid would come out and I remember Cynthia telling me that was a good sign that I was dilating and the fluid was able to get through. She asked if I wanted to change position, and so they got me up on my hands and knees. This picked the intensity up even more. They kept having to shove more pillows and stools under my arms to make sure my position wasn’t fighting gravity. I started feeling very out of control. I got whole body shakes and was screaming and crying through my contractions. With Meredith’s birth I never did anything other than very loud moaning, so this was a very different experience for me. No one ever told me when I made it to 10cm and could start pushing, it just started happening. I kept thinking that someone should call Brian but couldn’t articulate it. 

And then he called. 

I was between contractions and Monessa put the phone to my ear. He asked how I was doing and I responded “I’m okay” and I remember hearing everyone laugh in the background. Monessa continued to hold the phone so that Brian could “be there”. He says he had no idea what was going on and then all of a sudden there was the baby’s cry. I was feeling that really low pressure of pushing but was much more aware of the feeling of needing to poop than I ever was with Meredith. I think that inhibited my pushing a little bit, especially with my butt up in the air! I got the “ring of fire” feeling, which I also never had with Meredith and started feeling like I really might not be able to push him out. Screaming through it all did help focus my energy and I felt his head come out. With Meredith delivering her body afterward was easy, but that wasn’t so this time either. Another contraction and another BIG painful push and he was out. I felt an overwhelming wave of relief that he was out and it was done. At 8:03am he was born, only 45 minutes after I was told I was only 5cm dilated. It was a very quick and very intense labor.

Meeting Sean for the first time. Cynthia is holding the phone up for Brian to hear.

Brian was still on the phone and the baby cried. It felt like ages until they got me flipped over onto my back and put the baby on my chest, but I’m sure it was only a few moments. I asked for my glasses and they fogged up immediately. They got me on my back and put him up to me and I got to see my son for the first time. My first thought was how he didn’t have nearly as much hair as I’d expected him to have. Based on how much heartburn I had through my pregnancy I was sure he would come out hairier than Meredith was, but he had just a little hair on his head. He was also very fair and I noticed a little later his eyes were light and looked like they may be blue.

I talked to Brian for a bit and Monessa snapped a few quick pictures on her cell phone to send to him. The timing of his phone call couldn’t have been better. He had to go get his jet ready to fly home that afternoon. I delivered the placenta and after the cord had stopped pulsing I cut the cord myself. Cynthia showed me the placenta and noted that there were several white calcification spots, showing it was aging.

First snuggles with my boy.

Post birth bliss!

They got me propped up in bed and once things were cleaned up Nikki brought Meredith up to meet her new baby brother. I had tried to prepare her for the noises I might make and what the birth would be like in case she wanted to be in the room when he was born. I’m glad she didn’t want to be though, with how intense it was. She got to meet him almost right away and hung out in bed with us as we nursed for the first time. She got a special present from baby brother which she got to open (it was a “Jessie” doll from Toy Story which she’d been wanting). We hung out in bed for a little bit, then they took him and got him weighed (he had already pooped on me, so I really think his actual birth weight was closer to 10lb). Cynthia handed him to Nikki to hold and I laughed at the “deer in the headlights” look she got on her face! I took a quick shower and Cynthia got me stitched up. I had a small tear, about the same as I had with Meredith.

Meredith meeting baby brother for the first time.

Nursing Sean for the first time.

Mama kisses!

Jessie doll from baby brother.

I joked that now I had a few hours to rest before homecoming, and Cynthia very firmly told me I was forbidden and I think told Kat to make sure I didn’t go! After a while we sat on the bed while Cynthia checked Sean out, making sure all his joints were good and everything was healthy. Meredith sat up with us and Cynthia explained to her everything she was doing. It was all so relaxed and calm. They got wrapped up and I got a photo of everyone in bed with me before they left.

Nikki and Meredith admiring our new addition.

My amazing team! L to R: Monessa my doula, Me, Sean, Cynthia my midwife, Patricia her assistant & Meredith

I mentioned to both Monessa and Cynthia later that as much as it wasn’t the timing I’d hoped for (not having Brian there) it was such a different and amazing experience having a baby in only the company of women. It reminded me of the book “The Red Tent” about biblical era birthing when women would retreat to a tent together and help their sisters and friends birth their babies. As much as I wanted Brian there I feel the timing couldn’t have been better. I had an amazing birth experience surrounded by amazing women, and Brian came home that afternoon to meet his just hours old son.

Our family, together again!

I, of course, dismissed Cynthia’s forbidding me and went to homecoming anyway. I almost didn’t go. I was in baby bliss land and was happy to let Krista take Meredith and for us to have our homecoming when Brian made it back to the house. But we were able to get a pass to get the car out to the flight line so I wouldn’t have to walk far, and I really wanted to see Meredith’s reunion with Brian. The news wanted to interview us, but I didn’t want Cynthia to see the story and get mad that I’d gone to homecoming against her express instructions! I waddled myself out to the flight line and welcomed my husband home with his brand new baby. He said he couldn’t believe I went, but I kept saying I was going to get my homecoming, and I got my homecoming!!

Brian meeting his son for the first time, just 8 hours old!

Its a...

21 weeks. Over halfway. It seems like its snuck up on me so quickly! People warn you the second pregnancy flies by, and its so true. In a way it makes me happy because it also means deployment is going by quickly. But on the other hand this is likely my last pregnancy so I'm trying really hard to slow it down and enjoy it as much as possible. Its so weird to me that I was barely showing when Brian left, but will be HUGE (or have a new baby...) when he returns.

Here are photos of me pregnant with Meredith:

And here are pictures from this pregnancy:

And now the big news....

I went for my "big" ultrasound last week. I guess I've been feeling a tad more boy, but I really didn't have a strong feeling either way. I'd say my subconscious had the feeling more than I did, since I kept looking at boy clothing, bedding, fabrics, etc. Of course, that could've just been me preparing for what I might have to buy since if it were another girl there would be so little we'd need to buy.

My friend Krista came with me to my scan, and the doctor asked if I wanted to know the sex. I told him yes (I had originally wanted to wait, but Brian wanted to know). As he did his initial measurements both Krista & I thought we saw girl parts. When the doctor flashed the "money shot" up on the screen he asked what I thought. I said I wasn't sure, but I'd probably guess girl. Krista agreed. I guess its good neither of us are ultrasound techs... he said I'd be wrong, and typed in big letters on the screen "BABY BOY"!!!!

So a boy! I'm beyond thrilled. I had said that either way I would've had a twinge of sadness. If it were a girl I'd be sad to never get to raise a little boy. If it were a boy I'd be sad to have to get rid of all Mer's old stuff. But I'm beyond thrilled to get to raise one of each, to experience both sides, and to get a little mama's boy!

Brian got to call just after my scan was over, and he had been guessing girl also. He's always thought we'd only have girls. He's excited to be a daddy to a son. :)

My shopping has begun (of course), as has my purging and selling of Mer's old stuff, which surprisingly isn't as emotional as I thought it'd be.

An Update

Alright, I guess its time to get this thing up and rolling again. 4th of July was my last post, but that's because soon afterward Brian returned from deployment. The main reason behind this blog has been to keep him up to date with pictures since emailing photos to the boat is nearly impossible. And now he's gone again, having left a few days after Christmas. Its taken me a while to get back to this because life's been pretty rocky for us over the past month or so since he left. I keep saying I feel like its the perfect storm... our 3rd deployment in 3 years (which in itself is hard), Meredith just being 3, Meredith finally "getting" that Daddy is gone and lashing out, and me being pregnant, sick, and tired. So its been tough, but we're finally starting to see through the haze and things are improving.

And yes, you read right... I'm pregnant, if you didn't already know. We'd been trying for quite a while so its very welcome addition, but I must admit being pregnant during deployment isn't quite as easy as I thought it would be. I do think our timing couldn't have been better though, and I'm thankful for the fact that he *should* make it home for the birth and the newborn part, which was a very tough period for me with Meredith. And this *should* be our last deployment for a while, so he'll be around for the first few years of this next baby's life. I'm due on the 21st of July and as of yet we don't know the sex of the baby, nor if we'll be sharing the news when we find out. ;) We opted this time to see a midwife and have a home birth. My biggest reasoning for this was that the Navy Hospital here has an obscene cesarean rate and I wasn't sure I'd be given the leeway to labor on my own time without being pushed with interventions. I'm very thankful we were able to have Meredith in a civilian hospital that had an amazingly supportive staff and a great doctor. I didn't think I'd be so lucky this time. So I'm seeing a midwife and already through just my first few visits I'm thrilled with our decision. Especially because if Brian doesn't happen to make it home for the birth I know I won't have to drive myself to the hospital or worry too much about what to do with Meredith.

Meredith is doing well, overall. She's had a tough time with Brian leaving this time. I keep saying he & I really got cocky with this deployment. Its our 5th, and 3rd with a family and we didn't think too much about how it would affect Meredith this time since it never really has in the past. We didn't take into consideration she was that much older and that she really does "get" Daddy's absence this time. What is normally a week or two of settling in became over a month and my patience was wearing so thin I was looking into counseling for the both of us. Thankfully Brian was able to call and that really made all the difference. Amazing how her little mind works. Brian & I have become much more proactive with how we're dealing with her this time and that's helped too... with special gifts from Daddy and letters from him just for her to keep them connected. She also changed preschool classes right when Brian left, so her little life was just thrown into turmoil for a while. Thankfully things seem to be settling down.

So there's our update! We didn't do a whole lot between Brian's last homecoming and this recent departure. We spent a long weekend in Oregon with just the three of us, and had a big family Christmas up here again. And we haven't done a whole lot since Brian's left, so not a whole lot of new pictures yet. But we have a LOT coming up now that this first month of deployment is behind us. My sister (yes, that's a whole other story which I will post about later) is coming out to meet us in a few weeks. Then we have our big ultrasound. We're heading to Colorado for Easter with Grandma & Papa, then we have our halfway dinner in April. We plan on spending most of May in Hawaii with Grandpa, and June will be full with a baby shower, my birthday, and preparing for homecoming. I'm hoping that for as long as this last month has felt, the next 5 will fly by.

Here are just a few photos from the last month, to satisfy the grandparents! :)

Brian aboard ship right before deployment began

A little fairy princess

I cut my hair!

Being silly at breakfast with our friends on Valentine's Day